F.E.A.R.

Posted by The Divine Cowgirl on May 25th, 2009 at 06:32pm

Have you even been stopped cold by fear? Have you ever made a decision to not do something for fear of what might happen? Fear is insidious. It can weave around our rational thoughts and reduces us to a mass of quivering anxiety that holds us in the grip of indecision and even paralysis.

One of my students had been seriously over mounted. Her husband had bought her a horse way above her skill level and she had been dumped, run off with and in general terrorized by a relationship with an animal she didn’t understand. When she came to me for lessons her body would have an immediate reaction to the idea of getting on another horse. Even though I put her on the lunge line to help her gain control and skill with herself, her body would demand at least four trips to the bathroom in an hour session. Fear gripped her bowels as hard as her hand gripped the front of the saddle. For her fear was a visceral experience.

I had to give her credit for coming week after week while engaged in the battle of control over her fear. She intended to put fear in its rightful place rather than allowing it to run her life. Kudos to her!

Fear is false evidence appearing real. My student was gripped in the fear of her past and the idea that it could happen again. As we spoke directly to her anxiety and the possibility of something happening again, she began to have confidence in her ability to deal with what might come up. She learned the skills required to be in a riding relationship with a horse.

What always fascinated me (and continues to fascinate me) was that we show up the same in every relationship. Veronica, my student, was also fearful in other areas of her life – work and her intimate relationship. She was suffering from the “nice” disease. (The nice disease is characterized by acquiescence, constantly putting other people first, and sometimes the door mat syndrome. Treatment requires breaking your “give a damn” about what other people think and taking a stand for yourself. I highly recommend listening to Jo Dee Messina’s My Give A Damn’s Busted as part of N.D. therapy!)

Over time Veronica built her confidence in her ability to take care of herself at all levels. She learned to set healthy boundaries and to look fear squarely in the eye. She reaped the rewards being in the here and now rather than her past or her imagination of what could happen.

Not everyone is as determined as Veronica was. I know people that have had a serious traumatic experience and have allowed fear to completely run their lives. For some the event happened in childhood and though they are now in an adult body, they are locked into the age and development of the time of the trauma. They are unwilling to even imagine having a different life experience because it would mean facing their fear.

Fear is like an uninvited guest. It can surprise us, and then hold us captive. The old adage is that when you get bucked off, your job is to get back on again. Sometimes that is easier said than done. However it can be done and when we give ourselves permission to walk through the fear that holds us back we are rewarded with new adventures, more confidence and faith in our inner strength to experience life on our terms.

Take a moment and inventory your relationship with fear. Does fear prevent you from doing anything in your life? Do you call the shots or does fear whisper its directives for your life?

What fear have you faced? What has been the reward for “getting back on the horse” of life?

F.E.A.R.

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