Which Do You Speak – Peace or Conflict?
Posted by LeeAnn on December 7th, 2009 at 04:23pm
This past weekend I lead a personal retreat for a friend who has been experiencing a great deal of emotional pain due to her marriage. For as long as I have known her, there has been pain in this relationship. Both parties are conscripted into trying to extract their needs from the other. Because they meet in their woundedness, neither is able to hear what the other is saying. Instead they inflict more hurt and retreat. The cycle is now so deeply embedded that both are well defended before either of them speak. In their walls of defense, there is little opening for new possibilities.
It struck me this weekend that we are either speaking our peace or speaking our conflict. Usually when people talk of giving someone a “piece of their mind” they are referring to downloading their anger and righteousness. I almost never hear of anyone “speaking their peace.”
In order to speak from a place of peace, there can be no blame. Peace requires a comfort with “what is.” So often we want something different from “what is” and we expect the other person to give it to us regardless of what the other person is able to do. We want what we want and we want it now.
So often this time of year I hear people wanting peace on earth. I think that means they want the other person or group or nation to “do” peace first. I believe peace starts with each of us. Do we speak peace or do we speak conflict? Do we blame, make wrong or demand the other meet our needs at all cost?
I too have spoken conflict rather than peace. I have wanted someone outside of myself to give me what I want and felt I deserved. And yes, I haven’t been willing to give myself what I need. I have thought it was someone else’s responsibility to make me happy and to live by my rules. I guess that means I have not been a fan of free will and the path of another person’s soul.
Maybe this year is an opportunity to step back and let our children, our parents, our friends, our families and even our intimate partners BE who they are. Maybe the journey of peace begins with accepting what is and simply acknowledging that it is not our job to change anyone. Our job is to simply love the wisdom of what lives within each of us.
If I can simply be with “what is” – I have choice. I can continue to blame, suffer and play victim to someone else’s decisions or I can decide what I need and give it to myself. I can speak to my choice without an ultimatum and then act on what works for me. Maybe I won’t cook the huge dinner and all the work that goes with it, because my extended family believes in drive bys. They love to come just in time to eat and leave as soon as the last bite leaves the fork. Instead I will explain that I need more connection than work so we can meet at a restaurant on a day before or after Christmas – that way I get to be refreshed too and someone else does the work. And when the last bite is eaten, I too get to get up and walk. I don’t have to make meaning about their pattern; I can simply honor what is and honor me too.
What will you do this year.. speak peace or speak conflict…
Please feel free to share your ideas and stories….
Many blessings,
LeeAnn
Tags: communicating, human emotion, listening
Under Relationship+ With others
6 Comments for Which Do You Speak – Peace or Conflict?
1. Helen | December 7th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
I think you make a very good point with this blog entry. It points to the reality that we really can’t control anyone else. It’s hard enough managing ourselves.
Accepting another as they are with what they have, or are willing, to give, really is an act of love, in my opinion. And it’s not easy because we all do “want what we want”. Letting go of our expectations that another(s) will fufill our personal wish/want lists is tough.
So we try to take responsibility for meeting our own needs. We put ourselves in situations where people, by their nature and/or desire, give the things we’re wanting, like a listening ear, their company at a movie or concert, etc. because they share those values OR because they WANT to give us that something we want and visa versa.
What people do for and give to us needs to be voluntary, not forced or coerced. We cant change anyone by force, on purpose. People change or they dont and when they do it must be their choice or it won’t stick.
That’s what your blog inspired in me. Thanks
2. LeeAnn | December 7th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
Helen,
Thanks for the thoughtful reply. In the horse world – a horse trained with force will require force from the trainer for the length of the relationship. In the human world, force sets up resistance and resistance is the repellent of connection.
Be well,
LeeAnn
3. John | December 7th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
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Honoring yourself. THAT’S the deal. Be a friend to all. Do for all. Love all (most). But don’t ever forget yourself.
4. John | December 7th, 2009 at 11:11 pm
((NICE PIC BY PETER))
5. Pink Heels | December 10th, 2009 at 11:58 am
I am a firm believer that peace in our home, peace at work, peace in our community, and peace in the world begins with creating peace within ourselves. Introspection provides far more clarity in our daily lives than projection.
6. LeeAnn | December 10th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Thank you Jennifer – I so agree that peace is a moment by moment conscious choice. Reflection brings our intentions to life.. if peace is our intention, then we begin allowing peace as the reflection of our core selves!
May your days be filled with peace, passion and possibilities!
LeeAnn
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