The Perils of Secondary Partnership

Posted by LeeAnn on May 16th, 2011 at 08:00am

Secondary Partnership – a model of relating – an expectation that one surrenders themselves for the benefit of others. (paraphrase from The Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd)

I am sure the image I chose for this blog may have brought up something in you. Seeing an animal in a cage, be it at a grooming shop or a shelter tugs at our heart strings. It symbolizes for me a desire for freedom and the commitment of relationship.

When I was training horses I watched secondary partnership in action. Owners and riders demanded that horses bend to their needs. It was seldom a journey of partnership and learning; it was a journey of meeting the human’s need of being seen as a winner, of accomplishment, of image. The horse was a tool, not a lifelong commitment or journey of understanding our relationship to another.

Partnership can only be developed among equals.

We have been steeped in a culture of hierarchy. Hierarchy serves if the goal is power and control. It serves in dependent relationships if we confuse care-taking for decision-making. Hierarchy serves to maintain the status quo and stifles growth. When we are afraid that change will bring loss it is easier to pull the “do as I say” card. We can ignore opportunities to consciously examine our beliefs, assumptions and challenge our borrowed views.

Partnership is born of equals who respect the wisdom within each. I remember trail riding in the hills a long time ago. I wanted to go up a trail that lead to a beautiful view, yet my horse stubbornly refused. My first thought was he was misbehaving, until I spotted a cub in the tree, which meant the mother was not too far away.

My relationship with this horse warranted listening and respecting his actions. He had been my partner. I am not suggesting that the horse and I always saw “eye to eye,” I am suggesting that respecting his innate wisdom built trust between us.

I believe the time has come that we move past relationships of dependence, and independence into relationships of interdependence. I believe in the broader context we are being called to dissolve our idea of hierarchy in favor of an equal playing field.

Where in your life do you hide behind a pattern of hierarchy? Where are you the secondary partner? Where do you make another the secondary partner?

To the journey,